I used to reject my feminine energy. I ran from her. I don’t know if I did it out of shame, fear, or misogyny. I hadn’t seen safe femininity during my childhood. I saw women who prided themselves on strength and independence, the traits I’ve been trying to embody, but can’t fully commit to. I yearn for a softer, supported life.
I never saw anyone cherish the small things or slow down and embrace moments just because that’s what your supposed to do. There seemed to be no time for that back then. I was conditioned to see my softness and vulnerability as a weakness. I was always crying or so I was told, and I was comforted with being told to stop or that I was too old to cry. I don’t think I’ll ever be too old to release my emotions. Crying is cleansing and so important. I know that now.
I definitely internalized these beliefs and thought it wasn’t okay to cry or inconvenience others with my emotions. I don’t know if I can pinpoint a specific event or timeframe, but I do know something changed. Somewhere between the monster that stole my light and the castle I now call home, something shifted; maybe many things did. One morning I woke up and cried. I sobbed, knowing the weight I’d been holding all my life wasn’t mine anymore. I wept so deeply I felt that my angels could hear me. That they could feel me. Crying without limits or conditions. Crying without shame. I hadn’t realized until that morning that crying was my release. The very thing people kept telling me to stop doing was the exact thing that kept me balanced. Carrying so much deep emotion, I needed an outlet, and I never had one available.This manifested in many years of incongruent emotional expression. Covert self-harm behaviors, recklessness, and misguided morals. Crying was the answer all along. If I hadn’t had this sacred release conditioned out of me, would I have turned out different? Would I have the life I have now?
I felt shame amongst many other emotions for inconveniencing others with my tears. However, I do not feel sorry anymore. I am not responsible for how others react to me and my expression. The people who deserve to be around me will not label me or punish me for my emotions.
Later on in my girlhood, I had another epiphany. I realized I was allowed to love without the fear of abandonment or loss. If they leave, at least I loved them while they were here, and if they stick around, great! I am now able to share my love without fear of rejection because I now know that rejection is protection and not exclusion. I am able to love more deeply now because I have let go of the responsibility of making sure no one will hurt me. It is not my job to make sure they don’t betray me. If that were to happen, it says a lot more about them than me. I will learn from the loss and feel it entirely, but I will not wallow in it.
I have only grown so much in these few years of healing, and I still have much more to experience. I think right now, my major feminine themes are prioritizing existence over expectations, as well as tapping back into my sacral joy. Activities like dancing, painting, singing, and being more yin overall in my approach to life. Valuing myself beyond how I show up for others. Releasing stagnant and old beliefs and patterns. Letting go of the mindsets that were helpful before, for survival. But now those same beliefs do me no good when I’m transitioning from surviving to thriving. I’ve mentioned this transition before in earlier journal entries, and this one is a tricky phase. As you let go of the very tools that helped you survive the storm, you have to embrace and trust the new path you are forging ahead. You have to trust a new state of being that you didn’t even know existed. Unknown territory and new experiences are scary. Unknown can’t be that bad when much of what you’ve been used to is melancholy at best, right?
I think that’s my next step in my journey. Navigating and figuring out how to fully transition out of survival mode into thrive and flourish mode. I want to trash my old beliefs and mindsets and redefine my femininity for this current era of my life right now. At the moment, I am into crying when you want to, tea after the to-do list is out of sight, and loving even when you don’t feel lovable. I am into softness and slowing down. I don’t have to put a label on it, but I think I would consider this my deep dive era? Going off the deep end when it concerns my womanhood, femininity, and what those things mean to me. Getting to know and understand a whole different layer of myself. A note I recently came across got me thinking more about it (linked below). This is about honoring myself at my current stage, as well as honoring all the versions of me that have allowed the current me to flourish: the girl who laughed, the teenager who grieved , and the young woman jaded by the past but hopeful for the future. All of these versions of me, in their sweetness and sourness, define who I am today.
been thinking about how we carry little versions of ourselves through life. the kid who loved books, the teen who fell into music, the dreamer who found comfort in fictional worlds. none of them ever really leave. maybe that’s the point.137813
I want to continue to nurture my softness and vulnerability because it seems the more I highlight these traits, the closer I get with my truest self, or is that my inner child? Are they the same? I love getting to know myself and finding out about the soul underneath all the external conditioning. I want to continue this womanhood journey in search of an open space to share and connect with other heart led creatives. I want to laugh, cry, eat, dance, and play in 1 sitting and not be judged for the flow, rate, or weight of my being. I will continue to express myself freely, run wild with the wind, and sing like I have fans in every country. I want my femininity to set me free.
Unconditionally,
EthereaLyric
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