Ethereal Lyric

After thinking about my life and what parts I play, I realized I need to stop performing. I’m always concerned for others. I always take on other people’s emotional weight. I always show up, every time. I need to stop offering myself as an emotional container in hopes of being seen as valuable. I feel foolish after I perform sometimes, especially because it’s something so true and instinctual to me. I feel like I’m siphoning the value from my emotional abilities into a performance to please others.

Instead of putting on a show and trying to keep composed all the time, I now realize I need to embody the nurturing and care I perform daily. Instead of doing things because I feel obligated (even though I am not), I want to do these same things without the weight of the external expectations that come with being the “strong one.” I do not have it all together, and it is my fault that others think that of me because I have been performing. I have been masked for much longer than I’d like to admit.

I possess an inner world so profound that I bear many burdens that do not belong to me. I carry things that are mine but shouldn’t belong to me. But I also carry things I’m proud of. Things that have brought me joy. It is pretty in some parts, darker in others, and all the versions that came before this one lie within. I find comfort in knowing I can be close to myself. But how close can I be if I prioritize performance over identity? Instead of dealing with these things and emotionally clearing house, I use my nurturing as a way to not only prove my value to others but also as a way to mask my needs and be dependable. I take care of others to distract myself from the weight of my inner world. To push away the problems that I should be diving into headfirst.

I’m not sure if I’m afraid to confront the more serious and subconscious problems I have, or if I do not feel “worthy” of the deep work it will take to get there. Though unsure, what I am confident in is the fact that emotional performance is not sustainable for a spirit who craves deep soul-level connection. I cannot put on a show, memorize the script, and tend to the audience’s needs and still feel fulfilled after the curtains close. I cannot continue to be a clone of my original self. I nurture, care for, and tend to others because that is who I am; it’s encoded in my aura. I cannot continue to play a caricature of myself to “secure my spot” in others’ live-action productions.

Superficial healing is easy. My heart was designed to help, and my soul was curated for connection. Sacred healing, though? That scares the shit out of me. Going deeper than the shadow, redefining ancestral patterns, and stepping into my purpose is scary, but it’s also invigorating knowing I am ready to truly start living and stop just existing.

I don’t know if I can use nurturing as a mask anymore.

I don’t think I’ve felt “worthy” in a long time because no one has ever had to prove it to me as long as I perform for them.

I don’t know if I’m worthy of this depth of emotion and healing because this is going to take an amount of effort, work, and strength that I have never achieved, seen, or received myself.

Am I worth it if I’ve never accomplished something this significant ever before? Nothing to compare myself to, nothing to make this process “productive.”

Am I worth it if I’ve never seen anyone else deem themselves worthy enough to do this? No emotional role models to follow or guide me.

Am I worth it if I’ve never been on the receiving end of this kind of devotion and importance? No prior experiences to justify this level of dedication.

Is this what sacred self-love feels like?

I don’t know. However, I do know that the show is officially over! <3 This is my final act; I am retiring from my performance career. I am done nurturing from a place of fear, self-esteem, or abandonment. I know caretaking and tending is my calling, but I will not use my purpose to hide my pain. I will not cower to my wounds and then mislabel that as care. I will embrace my warm, loving, and mothering ways without using my actions as a receipt to prove value. Tending and nurturing others is what I do daily, but it is no longer in union with my value or self-perception. It is just what I am.

Unconditionally,

EthereaLyric